last night while i was trying to fall asleep, somehow i came up with the idea that i want to document Sebastian's first year of life with photos. i'm really excited about it, and i cannot wait to actually get it started!

this had to have been one of the most beautiful weddings i've ever been to. everyone looked beautiful, the weather was perfect, decorations were amazing, food was delicious, jess and pete made everyone's faces light up. 

maybe i should ask jess to be my wedding planner when the day comes. haha!

some days i wake up feeling fine. other days i wake up and everything sucks. some days i wake up feeling fine and then something happens and i feel like everything sucks. or sometimes, everything sucks, and then it's fine again.

but today i just woke up in a bad mood. it's friday, it's been a mildy stressful week, we move this weekend, it's raining and cold, my hormones are out of control, i get bigger by the day, and i feel like i have no social life.

halloween is coming up, and as much as i like the idea of having something to do that night, i don't really see me actually getting invited to anything nor do i think i would want to do anything. one thing i've come to the realization of, is that i really really hate going out when i'm the only one that isn't drinking- or whatever it is that people do to have a good time. i've also realized that i've lost all my ability to be a fun person to hang out with anyways. i think i just want to avoid any social situations in general. i don't like the attention- all the people rubbing my belly, asking me about the baby, asking me about the pregnancy.

sometimes i feel so ridiculous trying to explain this to anybody- not that i ever really have the opportunity. but, it wears you down when all anybody ever asks you is questions about everything but yourself. i guess if i try to explain, the best thing to say would be, it's hard to feel like anybody sees you as an actual person, rather than somebody who is carrying a baby and that is the only thing that matters. does that make sense? probably not.

my point, is that pregnancy is hard and i just want it to be over with. i'm tired of feeling like a cow- even though i know it's just cause i'm pregnant. i'm tired of not being able to do things that i want to do. i'm tired of being uncomfortable 95% of the time (that's not an exaggeration. i think i've lost my ability to be comfortable, ever). i'm tired of feeling so emotional all the time. i'm tired of feeling tired.

i just want to be me again. i want to be funny and make everyone smile and have people see me as Caroline- the individual, rather than see me as Caroline- the pregnant one.

UGGGHHHHHHH (x10000000)

i can't stress that UGH enough. i'm not afrain to admit, that i don't know who i am anymore. i don't even see me as me. who am i?

10 weeks left

I just want Sebastian to be here already. I feel like these last ten weeks are going to be the longest ten weeks ever.

Thinking too far ahead

But, I'm already starting to work on my Christmas List:

lately;

I feel like I only ever have anything to say when things aren't good or I'm not in a good mood. But things have been really good, therefore, no update in a while. Everything with baby Sebastian is going along really well. Only thing to do is wait til he's born. Josh and I are just enjoying the last few weeks of our "freedom."

I don't really talk to or hang out with anyone. But I like it better this way. I don't really feel like most of the people in my life were really grasping the fact that I'm starting a family and don't really enjoy all the things that I used to. It's weird. Somewhere between coming to terms with the reality of being a Mom and not wanting to "grow up" I realized I can only "grow up". It's not as bad as people think it is. Your whole thought process seems to change and different things become important/meaningful- like family. I'm very happy with where I am at in my life right now. I can say I really am content.

i try really hard not to judge. i've been through too many things in my life to know not to judge somebody because of what they're going through. but some people really don't realize how good they actually have it.

i feel like a lot of the times, people just look for excuses to say how terrible their lives are. they want to be "interesting", they want to seem like whatever it is they're going through is so hard. but it could be worse, so much worse.

but then i think, who decides what's "worse"? is there a scale of "bad"? maybe. but i'm not really sure. maybe what they're going through really is terrible- to them. maybe what their "easy" is, is my "super easy." does that make sense?

i don't know what i'm talking about. i just feel like i need to write something.

i'm still young, i'm still figuring mine out. i feel like even when you're "old' you're still going to be figuring yours out.

"Life is what happens while we're making plans.

I can't write another one.
Our age of miracles is past."