2009

some days i wake up feeling fine. other days i wake up and everything sucks. some days i wake up feeling fine and then something happens and i feel like everything sucks. or sometimes, everything sucks, and then it's fine again.

but today i just woke up in a bad mood. it's friday, it's been a mildy stressful week, we move this weekend, it's raining and cold, my hormones are out of control, i get bigger by the day, and i feel like i have no social life.

halloween is coming up, and as much as i like the idea of having something to do that night, i don't really see me actually getting invited to anything nor do i think i would want to do anything. one thing i've come to the realization of, is that i really really hate going out when i'm the only one that isn't drinking- or whatever it is that people do to have a good time. i've also realized that i've lost all my ability to be a fun person to hang out with anyways. i think i just want to avoid any social situations in general. i don't like the attention- all the people rubbing my belly, asking me about the baby, asking me about the pregnancy.

sometimes i feel so ridiculous trying to explain this to anybody- not that i ever really have the opportunity. but, it wears you down when all anybody ever asks you is questions about everything but yourself. i guess if i try to explain, the best thing to say would be, it's hard to feel like anybody sees you as an actual person, rather than somebody who is carrying a baby and that is the only thing that matters. does that make sense? probably not.

my point, is that pregnancy is hard and i just want it to be over with. i'm tired of feeling like a cow- even though i know it's just cause i'm pregnant. i'm tired of not being able to do things that i want to do. i'm tired of being uncomfortable 95% of the time (that's not an exaggeration. i think i've lost my ability to be comfortable, ever). i'm tired of feeling so emotional all the time. i'm tired of feeling tired.

i just want to be me again. i want to be funny and make everyone smile and have people see me as Caroline- the individual, rather than see me as Caroline- the pregnant one.

UGGGHHHHHHH (x10000000)

i can't stress that UGH enough. i'm not afrain to admit, that i don't know who i am anymore. i don't even see me as me. who am i?